Well, here we go. A bunch of people i know came up with a brilliant idea about stuff us IT-folks say, and what we really mean when we say it. Anybody that has any additions just add a comment.

Temporary Solution

This is going to totally suck wind, or worse. We realize it, and accept that we will be lowering the quality of the product. We are not smart enough to really fix the problem, but we can get away with it.

Any statement that has the word “Kinda” or “Sorta” in it

I really don’t want to tell you whats going on because…

  • You won’t like it.
  • You won’t understand it
  • I don’t even understand it.

Any statement that has the word “Technically” in it

I really…

  • Feel you are wrong.
  • Feel I need to talk.
  • Don’t understand what you said, so I’m going to feign that I do and expand on your original statement.

“let me look into that”

I have no idea what is going on, but I don’t want you to know that.

“I’ll have to do some research”

  • I really, really have no idea what is going on. Furthermore, it’s likely that I just told you we can’t do something, and I’m trying to explain why we can’t do what I just told you you can’t do and you just blew a hole in my argument why we can’t do it.
  • I don’t have google next to me, so I can’t answer this question, can I borrow you’re computer?

Any sentence which contains “general requirements”

Person Making Statement is in the following character:

  • We tried our best to come up with something that looks like or smells like requirements, but we failed, horribly.
  • The existing system is so un-clear that I don’t actually know what it does.

Person receiving statement should:

  • Realize the above and re-evaluate their mental condition, ensuring that they you will not driven over the edge for lack of mental state
  • Buy copiousness amounts of whatever relieves your stress, illegal or otherwise.

Anyone with a notepad (the paper kind) in meeting room

I really felt like contributing so I brought some paper, just in case anyone needs it. In the mean time I’m going to doodle.

Anyone saying “Loosely Coupled”, “White Box”, “Black Box”, “Service Oriented”, “… Architecture …”, “… Framework …” more than once in a week.

“I provide no value and am dead weight.”

Could you update the “XYZ Spreadsheet”

“I don’t talk to you frequently and/or I don’t trust you. So, please update this spreadsheet so I know you did at least one thing this week.”

I am (insert any number between 90-99.9%) done. OR
I just need to do this one thing.

I will never be done, if you are asking me my status, I am already late. So i’m just gonna throw some number out there.

You see Trace(), Alert(), Debug()

This code smells bad, the person that wrote it has no idea what is going on.

Seamless

Whatever are the worst things that could happen, they will happen, over and over again.